I didn’t what to expect from Soul of the Samurai after witnessing the opening cutscene. A stiffly animated ninja and equally wooden samurai are shown kicking all kinds of ass to a laughable “hard rock” track. The best part of the cutscene was that the cheesiness wasn’t even intentional. The game takes itself very seriously, so I was able to have fun with an otherwise forgettable journey. While other games try to emulate B-movies, Soul of the Samurai is able to capture that vibe without even trying. It’s just that the game isn’t good.

“Come on then!”

Taking a page from Resident Evil, Soul of the Samurai lets you play as two different characters whose paths often cross as they join forces. Lin is one of those stereotypical “sexy ninjas” and is sent to investigate a missing shipment of gold after her ninja buddies go MIA. Kotaro is a hulking ronin making a long overdue homecoming. A serious and somewhat realistic route could have been taken with the storyline. Instead, people become infected by magic worms and then turn into zombies so it’s up to Kotaro and Lin to put a stop it.

I don’t know if Soul of the Samurai was intended to be scary, but I have a nagging hunch that horror was intended. There are moments when enemies appear and the music makes a sudden, jarring noise that’s supposed to shock and surprise. I end up smiling at just how cheesy it is. It doesn’t help that the music is usually some sort of bizarre mix of appropriate Asian-sounding music, lame techno, and 80s cop TV show tunes. Here’s a somewhat related anecdote. A couple of my friends, for some reason, were watching me play this game. All of a sudden, a samurai with a wicker basket on his head appeared. The mysterious character takes off the wicker basket to reveal that he’s a zombie, complete with bad skin and a blood-covered mouth. The music hit some drastic notes to coincide with the shocking revelation and all of us SCREAM. The scene in the game took itself so seriously that we couldn’t help but act accordingly. This method also helped with the in-game text. Since there’s no voice acting we all found ourselves speaking the dialogue with over-the-top accents right out of a kung fu movie. As you can tell, none of us are really looking forward growing the hell up.

“Stop following me, okay?”

Suspiciously, Soul of the Samurai contains a couple more elements of Resident Evil aside from two playable characters and the so-called “horror.” The backgrounds are all prerendered, so the camera angles are always fixed and moving around isn’t always as responsive as it should be. There are also a couple incredibly basic puzzles involving placing the right item in the right spot in order to open a locked door. Fortunately, the developers decided to focus more on action than silly puzzles. Kotaro and Lin offer two distinct styles of fighting the many enemies. While Kotaro is slow moving and can obtain a variety of different swords, Lin attacks in a fury of moves and has a variety of projectiles such as shurikens and bombs at her disposal. Blocking attacks is essential to succeed considering how much damage the zombie samurai and monsters can dish out. Since Kotaro moves so slowly, waiting for the right moment to strike can become a chore. Lin just attacks fast and has helpful projectiles, so the action moves at a quicker pace. While the constant need for blocking can grow tiresome against the many enemies, it makes for some tense boss duels. Dying can happen easily, so managing to block a deadly attack and countering with a three-hit combo helps take your mind off the laughable atmosphere.

“I told you to stop following me!”

It’s a good thing that the combat is better than the atmosphere because there it a lot of fighting. Enemies respawn when reentering an area, which can be frustrating when running low on health. There’s also one memorable part, the only great portion of Soul of the Samurai where infected villagers attack in groups of four. A counter on the screen keeps track of all the kills. Hundreds of once peaceful villagers are mowed down by the time the stage is over. I never knew when they’d stop attacking, so there was some actual tension and excitement for a change. It’s just too bad that nothing else in the game can really compare to this moment.

Both Kotaro and Lin each have six chapters to play through, but that’s doesn’t mean that the game is lengthy. Both their stories can be completed in a total of four hours. I’ve seen movies almost as long as that, except that those films were actually good. While the combat is enjoyable, it’s just too hard to get into Soul of the Samurai without mocking its B-movie elements. This game is average enough to be considering a guilty pleasure. It’s just not good enough to be considered a pleasure.