This is not a review. Not literally I mean; of course it is. But rather, this is not a review - it is a warning. A warning to say: don't play this game unless you are some kind of videogame masochist with a penchant for digital self-harm.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is the worst kind of game. It is a title so utterly inept in every conceivable way, which has not only sullied the good name of the movie but it is actually remarkably bad even for a game-of-movie adaptation, and surely a blot on publisher Ubisoft's résumé which they wish they could erase.
Remember when the film came out and most of us hadn't quite seen anything like it? The choreography and fluidity were astounding; it was like Capoeira to The Matrix's pro wrestling. Unfortunately (and unsurprisingly), somewhere along the way during the transition from film to game the wonderful combat has not only gone missing, but also been tripped over, kicked repeatedly and possibly defecated on by developer Genki.
Very much unlike the movie, the animation and character movement are useless enough to make even Ozzy Osbourne look graceful and poised. You can do such exotic moves as double-jumps, an incredibly lame glide and wall-running (which doesn't even work, although the booklet maintains you can). Combat incorporates weak-but-fast and slower, stronger attacks, with a small handful of moves, and is probably the least offensive part of this dire repertoire - even so, that's a bit like saying Jack the Ripper's best feature was his skill in surgery. The particular marzipan icing on this shit cake is the blocking, which takes the best part of two seconds to instigate, meaning you'll often need to block before or as soon as enemies launch attacks. Perhaps with practice the timing and recognition becomes easier; I however had more enjoyable things to attend to, such as pulling my fingernails off with pliers and washing my eyes with bleach.
You run around areas based upon those seen in the film and limply fight groups of enemies with combat so pitiable it would do a disservice to Power Rangers. You alternately play the part of each of the film's four heroes, but their skills are more akin to that of a dying headless chicken than that of the movie's quartet of majestic protagonists. It's also amazing how the plot - a tale of tragic love, misguided loyalties and spiritual clarity - could be reduced to a very simple series of objectives which involve running through areas fighting gangs of enemy troops. Moreover, when you play Li Mu-bai or Yu Shu-lien it's not exactly made clear who you are fighting or why they would want to attack you.
The level design is universally poor. It doesn't help that the game harbours one of the poorest cameras I've ever encountered, which gets stuck or awkwardly repositioned if you so much as go near a building or obstacle. Worse still are the platforming sections which are made awkward due to half-hearted collision detection and floaty, unresponsive controls. Even worse are sections where the camera sometimes drops back to a fixed perspective, making things doubly problematic when coupled with the crap controls. Each level is book-ended by a short clip from the movie; although in reality all this does is re-affirm how utterly useless this adaptation is compared to its movie roots.
Graphics, presentation and audio are (unsurprisingly) all sub-par. Characters basically look nothing like the actors who portrayed them, with low polygon counts that might have been passable in a PS2 launch title. The environs are bare and lack detail, and annoyingly tout dozens of invisible barriers (these warriors can defy gravity and almost fly, but can't climb on rooftops if the game doesn't want them to). The soundtrack is okay, with a few of the tracks from the film, but the voiceovers are terrible, with awful stand-ins and a complete lack of professionalism. Basically everything about this game is utterly abhorrent; it is insulting to the good name of the film and it's an absolute abortion of a videogame.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon doesn't quite manage to sink to the depths of Big Rigs or Charlie's Angels, but it makes a strong attempt. There is nothing here of redeeming value, so don't play this game unless you want to see how videogames should not be made - and if you’re that desperate you can have my copy. Buy the film instead. Or a different film. Or anything; just not this.
Thunderbolt score: two out of ten
Pros
- It's not as bad as Big Rigs.
- You can use the box as a replacement for another game, the manual as firelighters and the disc as a coaster.
Cons
- Awful level design.
- Unclear storyline.
- Woeful combat.
- Dire sound.
- Graphically the playable characters look nothing like their movie counterparts.
Players: 1
Subtitles: No.
Online: No.
Comments
Evo on Monday 28th July 2008
Havn't read it yet, but crouching tiger hidden peice of shit is genius XD made me lol fo rl
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