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Will Rock

You might get excited when you see Will Rock sitting in the used bin at your favorite video game store. Looking at the back of the box, you’re promised exciting graphics and a cool soundtrack, lots of enemies to kill and unbridled carnage. Sweet, right? With a name like Will Rock, you may think that it will indeed rock, so you might walk up to the register with it in hand. But I implore you, please, please, please do not purchase this game. Our lives are just too short to be wasted on games like this. Will Rock is just like Serious Sam. This is a bad thing. Serious Sam was arguably one of the most boring games I have ever played. Will Rock makes Serious Sam seem entertaining by comparison. I never thought this was possible, but apparently it is.

Axe-wielding flaming minotaurs are usually not good news.

The story goes something like this: you play as an Indiana Jones wannabe named, awesomely, Will Rock. Will has the great life, jettisoning all over the globe in the hopes of making some big find that’ll be awesome for his career. He doesn’t seem like the type that’s interested in the ladies, mostly just rocks and stuff like that, but some foxy lady is with him when they run off to Greece to explore an ancient temple that is supposedly a prison housing the ancient Greek Gods that were locked away after the rise of Christianity (wow, that was a long sentence). After finally figuring out the puzzle to unlock the temple doors, Will and his friends are overwhelmed by Greece’s version of America’s Right-Wing Christian Fundamentalists who want into the temple in order to restore Greece to its prominent, clean, wholesome past. Of course, they take the girl with them and it’s up to Will to rescue her and save the world and induce comas in everyone controlling him.

Sorry if my rundown sounds a bit sketchy. The fact that I was bored while I was listening to the first five minutes of the game must say something about the overwhelming quality of the story. It’s fortunate though that the developers realized that no one would care about the story and kept the storytelling to a very minimal level. Instead, they decided to focus on ridiculous amounts of carnage that would make Charles Manson bored. After the cutscene ends, you’re immediately thrust into battle against hordes of exactly the same Minotaur enemy over and over again. Once you defeat that legion of Minotaur, you move into the next room and…wait…here it comes: you fight another multitude of Minotaur all over again, only this time, you’ve got a shotgun to shoot them with that somehow magically appeared with boatloads of ammunition.

Despite having a green goo gun that does that, this game is still rubbish.

You’ll wander around for a bit, shooting at vases looking for a key that will unlock the next room. Of course, enemies are spawning all around you while you do this and you’ll need to take them out while you hunt for the key. Soon you’ll find it and you’ll be whisked off into the next ancient Greek themed area to kill of enemies. This time, instead of just that one Minotaur army that you were fighting before, you’ll also have a skeleton army to contend with. And some birds. But now you’ve got a machine gun, and more ammunition. So the fight has been evened out.

The entire game goes on like this. You’ll get your hands on a sniper crossbow with flaming arrows to combat these goofy sword-wielding enemies. The list goes on. Sometimes you’ll have to find keys to move on, sometimes you’ll have to flip switches, but you’ll always have to fight and it grows stale faster than bread left out of the bread box. I can honestly say that by the second mission of the first level that I was already getting tired of the game. And Will Rock’s boring soundtrack that touts all over the box that they have Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock” MP3 shoved in there for the main theme didn’t really help either. After that one licensed tune, the rest of the soundtrack consists of crappy rock music with no lyrics. I guess the developers thought that it’s awesome to kill swarms of repetitive enemies to crappy guitar riffs. They thought wrong.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty…”

It would probably help the game if it were fun to explore through any of the environments; but amazingly, they even managed to make that boring. Every texture repeats over and over again until your eyes cry out for something different. Even the artificially produced skies are bland and generic, possibly so the clouds don’t upstage the boring enemies you fight again. There are some occasionally cool particle effects, but they’re ultimately wasted because they’re in the PC first-person shooter Will Rock.

You’re certainly going to come across this game in the used bin at your video gaming store and all sorts of things are going to go through your mind before you hopefully flip past it. You’ll wonder if the game came from a good, loving home, or if it’s all scratched to hell. You’ll wonder what happened to the box, because it’ll probably come without it. You’ll wonder why the price is so low on what sounds like a cool game. Finally, you’ll wonder if the game is any good and hopefully, you’ll have read this review before you wonder if it’s worth a purchase.

2 out of 10

The author of this fine article

is an Associate Editor at Thunderbolt, having joined in February 2003.

Gentle persuasion

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