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Katamari Damacy

Boa tarde! Have you ever been to Portugal? We were there yesterday. Wonderful place. Full of colors, whimsical sounds, frivolous extra and mustachioed machismo. We hope that you will be able visit someday, young Prince. But, not today! No. There are much more imperative matters to attend to.

You see, We really did it. The King of All Cosmos has really done it. A sky full of stars. We broke it. Yes, We were naughty. Completely naughty. So, so very sorry. But just between you and Us, it felt quite good. Not that We can remember very clearly, but We were in Nature’s embrace. We saw the beauty of everything and felt love for all. That’s how it was. Did you see? We smiled a genuine smile. Did you see? The stars splintering in perfect beauty. Such a magical flash. Like the first time your mother looked at Us. Her eyes glittering like glitter. The pink dress fluttering. Woo, tangent.

Now, that miraculous fabulous moment has passed. It’s over. We came to and found everyone furious. Even the King of All Cosmos was not spared their wrath. Really, everybody was irate. So anyway, wee Prince. Hurry up and bring back the glorious starry sky. Our problem, your problem. Yes? You owe Us your existence, We collect on the debt. Yes? Hand in hand, always there. Yes? The very definition of the father-son bond. Yes? All right then, let’s get cracking.

Sending things to Earth

Boats… Whales… Toasters… Feelings…

Here We are. Earth. Full of things as usual. Hmm? HMM!? Aack, so… so… s-small… You’re as petite as ever. We didn’t notice, not one jot, what with the stars and all. That body, that physique. Could you really be Our son? Ah-hah! We’ve got it! Build yourself up while you roll the katamari. Work out and get bigger. Yes indeed. Don’t presume to take the escalator up to the throne just because you’re the Prince.

Huh? Oh, the katamari! Yes. It is essential in bringing back the sky’s sparkle. Roll it about and gather up things. But! Only small things first, inch-ling Prince. Stamps. Gum. Pencils. You see? As the katamari gets bigger, go back for some of the meatier things. Dog food bowls. Toilet paper. Takoyaki hotplates. The katamari will keep growing and growing as you roll up more Earthly items. Right? Soon you may be pushing a 30-meter katamari. Phone booths, work trucks, Ferris wheels. All gobbled up into the great clump. Yes! Then We can use the Royal Rainbow to whisk you and the gargantuan katamari into the night sky, where it will be transformed into a luminous star. A star reborn! All because our Princely son strutted his Princely stuff. Ah, We feel a swoon coming on.


Remember that even the King of All Cosmos can’t be kept waiting. Roll the katamari up to the required size before the time runs out. We shouldn’t need to remind you of that, eh Prince?

Bedrooms. Backyards. City streets. All in Japan. That’s where we’ll be rolling our magical katamari. You may wonder, why not China? Or Brazil? Or Iceland? America certainly has plenty of trivial Earthly things to purloin. Why not there? Simple. This game was made by Namco. Namco is a Japanese company. Therefore, We roll around Japan. Got it? Across tatami mats, through shoji doors, under kotastu. Not that it matters. Japanese things are just as good for making stars as anything. Probably even better. So vivaciously colorful and rampantly distinctive.

Being an astute Prince, you may notice a few things about your surroundings. A certain simplicity. A few more angles here and there. Plain textures. Well, don’t be too concerned. You may not be rolling around San Andreas, but a definite charm will be emanating from everywhere. What the Germans call, a sicher quälen allüre. Yes, and why not? Simplicity can be beautiful. Have you seen Van Gogh’s Starry Night? The tumultuous swirl of blue and yellow. The icy palette. Such majesty. And radiance. We get chills just thinking of it. Anyway, the act of rolling the katamari will be enough for you to worry about. Sightseeing is out of the question. Okay, valiant Prince?

The noise of Earth can be scary. Hectic and pulsing. Enough to make even the bravest of Princes turn to syrup. Sticky and sweet, but no good at rolling the katamari. Thankfully, We have solved the problem. Well… your mother and Us really… We have created songs for you to listen to. Catchy songs that keep the feet shuffling and the spirits soaring. Katamari anthems, if you will. Think of them as J-Pop lounge tunes. Mixed with a zesty whiff of acapella. Or something like that. No better katamari rolling music exists in the world. We are the King of All Cosmos, after all. Only the best from Us! Maybe when this is all over, Weíll give you a glorious Katamari Damacy soundtrack CD. Maybe.

Okay, proud Prince. The time is upon Us. We must depart to the inky sky and watch your work from above. Roll that katamari, pick up things and make your father proud. Try not to have too much fun bumbling around Earth. Stay focused. We know how much fun rolling the katamari can be. We did it for Our father when We were just a tiny Prince. Perhaps We will even let you create a few extra stars than were there before. Sound like a deal? Okay then. Farewell, sweet Prince. And happy rolling.

9 out of 10

The author of this fine article

is a Senior Staff Writer at Thunderbolt, having joined in May 2003. Get in touch on Twitter @Joshua_Luke.

Gentle persuasion

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