I’m not going to open up with a clever introduction here; Charlie’s Angels the videogame sucks. So much so that it may just be the worst game I have ever played in my 11 years of taking up the hobby. If you really, and I mean really despise someone, then buy them Charlie’s Angels the videogame, and watch as they’d rather shoot themselves between the eyes, before having to endure another second of this ‘game’.
There is a story in Charlie’s Angels somewhere; apparently, an evil mastermind has planned to steal the world’s national monuments, and it’s up to the game’s three femme-fatales – Natalie, Dylan and Alex – to stop him. Somehow, Neko Entertainment have managed to make the story more mundane than the actual films themselves, and with the eye candy sorely missing, only people with nothing more productive to do in-between cut scenes will sit and actually listen to what is being said.
This adventure will take players across a series of repetitive and monotonous locales, each more forgettable than the last. For a game based on a film in which the appearance of its three main protagonists is a main focal point, Charlie’s Angels looks like absolute shit. The character models of the Angels are laughably bad at the best of times, not resembling their glamorous celebrity counterparts in any way shape or form. And the enemies have been seemingly thrown into each stage without any thought put into whether or not they actually fit in with their surroundings. I found myself at one point squaring off against a butler, construction worker and a man wearing a wetsuit inside a large boat. The level design is utterly atrocious too, and if it wasn’t painstakingly easy enough to find your way around, the game spoon-feeds the player directions with an arrow pointing to your next destination. And of course, the invisible walls will make their presence known blocking off all other possible exits.
If there’s anything worse than a game hurting your eyes, it’s when it also decides to attack your ears for extra measure. The three Angels all lend their vocal talents for the game, but the lines are so poorly delivered, and with such little enthusiasm you get the feeling that Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui and Drew Barrymore didn’t want to be involved in this anymore than us.
Games based on movies have a tendency to be a bit of a disaster, and Charlie’s Angels never even gets out of the starting block thanks to the combat. It’s your typical 3D beat-em-up, players move through identical rooms where they’ll be confronted by a mass of enemies. There’s a kick, punch and a block button (the latter won’t be needed), and using just one of these attacks will see you through the game with minimal fuss. This is all made possible thanks to the truly dire A.I. Generic thugs will swarm round you and wait their turn before you button mash your way through them so hard that they actually disappear on impact. There’s the occasional weapon that you can pick up to deal extra damage, but when it’s this easy there really isn’t much point.
Further explaining why killing yourself may just be a more pleasant experience than playing Charlie’s Angels would be a fruitless exercise. The game has literally no redeeming features, and the only purpose it’ll serve for this reviewer is as a half decent coaster. To everyone at Neko Entertainment who had a hand in making this game, just because you have a grudge against all of humanity, that didn’t give you the right to release this cancer of a videogame out into the world. A curse on you and all your children.