Thunderbolt logo

Violence: All gamers must die!

Violence

Despite what you may have read, believe and experienced first hand – videogames have been violent since their inception. Before gaming pens were invented to write them with, ideas were shat from developer’s minds like cataclysmic sneezes of abhorrence. Let’s do a quick rundown of some classics and the violence depicted within; Pac-man (relentless chomping machine devours ghosts), Tetris (brutally shunting deformed blocks together to create a seamless wall of suffering), and Super Mario Bros (forcing a pint-sized Italian plumber to leap over his own height and onto the soft heads of an indigenous populous – ramming their own larynxes through their hearts). Besides these gems of bloodlust, who can forget Streetfighter, the torturous game where you beat up lampposts and tarmac with your bare hands? As for Sonic The Hedgehog, I take it you’ve heard the phrase, “The blue hedgehog up the golden ring”? Exactly.

screenshot

“Pulpified under their many hateful legs”You may be thinking, “but what about Pong?” Whilst Pong was ostensibly a game about tennis, with two autonomous rackets (depicted as surgical off-white bludgeoning tools) hitting a ball across a crude net, what a lot of people don’t realise, is that the ball isn’t a ball, it’s the severed head of a gnat. You might not think it is. In fact, you may be able to find irrefutable evidence that it isn’t. But it is, and Pong forces you to smash it back and forth until one player misses it completely, where it then flies out into the hordes of baying fire ant warriors in the stands, and is finally pulpified under their many hateful legs.

screenshot

“Highly effective training programs”The violence depicted in these videogames, in all videogames, is an exact mirror of real life. When you kill a person in a videogame, seven actual people die as a result. Videogames are not a form of entertaining escapism, they’re highly effective training programs intended to corrupt humans and change them into bio-mechanically altered bestowers of ultraviolence. Why? Because games developers are Satanic demigods of annihilation intent on destroying the whole of creation. As anyone with a functioning brain already knows, there’s no other possible way a person can become violent other than by playing videogames. This is evidenced by the fact that anyone who does so will go on a killing spree fifty five seconds after hitting their system’s power button.

screenshot

It’s a widely known fact that all of history’s worst mass murderers were videogames players – Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot all got their ideas from Command & Conquer. Most organised crime gangs are started by people who began playing Syndicate but forgot to switch back to reality. In light of all this, it’s clear we need to do something. The only sane response is to round up all known games companies, players, even people who’ve ever seen a game and kill them, kill them with violence…before it gets out of control.

The author of this fine article

is a Staff Writer at Thunderbolt, having joined in November 2009. Get in touch on Twitter @p_etew.

Gentle persuasion

Think you can do better? Write for us.