Video games, as one of the up-and-coming mediums of our generation, have the power to fight discrimination, thanks to their rapid proliferation. Like Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? did for social discussion about interracial relationships in the 1960s, and Guess Who? did for social discussion about terrible remakes in 2006, the large community of gamers is a perfect bunch to spread thoughtful messages to. Many games are already tackling current issues with aplomb: Persona 4 features openly gay characters, Burnout displays the horrors of drunk driving, and Final Fantasy has been a staunch advocate for metrosexuality since 1997. Even Halo is catching onto the idea, evident in the hidden “Free Tibet” chapter in which Master Chief meditates for 72 hours in solidarity with a temple of Buddhist monks.

But friends, there is a more important issue at hand. For years, I’ve observed fresh-faced heroes duke it out with the forces of evil. On the surface, this is entirely innocent; however, what message does this convey really? All heroes shave daily? This is a dangerous misrepresentation of facial hygiene. Anyone who has studied the American Civil War knows that people with beards are way more badass than everyone else.

Look at Link, for example, from the classic Legend of Zelda series. Ocarina of Time showed players an older version of the young hero, and yet this strapping young man had no beard. Not even a hint of fuzz. Are we to believe that Link somehow doesn’t need to shave? Utter rot. Imagine how different the game would have been if the older Link had a tasteful goatee or chinstrap, or maybe something even bigger. For one, enemies would be way easier to kill, because Link would look like an angry mountain man barreling down on them with a sword and beard. Secondly, the game would have been rated M, because of all the crazy sex Link would be having with every woman in the game. Beards are stylish and useful. Ganondorf would shit himself when he saw a manly badass Link climbing the staircase; and he’d also be really jealous when Link porked the Great Fairy.

Other games would benefit from offering beards as an option. Open-world RPGs like Oblivion should offer a skill bonus for characters with beards; perhaps something along the lines of +5 Charm or +10 Persuasion. Nobody doesn’t like beards, and if they do they’re stupid. Beards would be perfect for balancing a Warrior-class character created with little regard for speech skills. Want to play a charming character who is also tough? No problem; pour all of your skill points into Strength and Defense or whatever. When you’re done, just slap some facial hair on there. Maybe some chest hair, too. Not including these features isn’t only a major barrier between gamers and realism, it’s also unfair discrimination. Not everyone has a smooth face, Nazi game developers.

New technology could go a long way to enhance each gamer’s beard adventures. Microsoft’s Project Natal could scan the player’s face and show them how kickass they would look with a beard, compared to how lame and boring they look now. Natal’s amazing articulation sensors could then provide minigames like Punching The Hell Out Of People Without Beards, Doing A Whole Ton Of Groupies, or maybe even Trimming - Don’t Overdo It Or You’ll Look Stupid. Sony’s new motion controllers could also provide similar entertainment for gamers looking for the authentic facial-hair experience. The Wii probably could too, but it’d be pointless because beards are for awesome people and nobody who owns a Wii could be awesome.

This may seem like a lot of work for game developers, but they could easily recoup the costs of realistic fuzz-rendering by offering beard DLC packs for older games. Imagine the joys of replaying inFamous, only with a grizzly mane around Cole’s face instead of that completely bald dome. Street Fighter IV could feature downloadable beards for each character. Capcom is no stranger to nickeling and dimeing everyone for downloaded content, so why not offer different styles, except in different download packs? The Soul Patch Pack could cost $2.50, and then a week later they could release a Badass Manly Viking Beard pack for $5.00! Some games could even feature downloadable characters who were poster-children for facial hair. Imagine playing Crackdown as Billy Mays (God rest his fuzzy soul)!

There is literally no reason not to do the things I am suggesting. People with beards are awesome, and if you disagree you are a Communist. Games should reflect the baditude of beards - after all, the face is a window to the soul, and if your mirror isn’t worth looking at, no one is going to look.