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Where were you when the Hot Coffee scandal news story broke?

Where were you when the GTA San Andreas Hot Coffee scandal news story broke? If you’re anything like me, you’d have been banging your head on the nearest table surface for the best part of an hour.

For those who’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks, coffee-gate has had anti-videogame politicians scrambling for their soap boxes, to stand up and tell the ‘free’ world how these lying scumbags that are Rockstar lie to the public and warp their little child’s minds with sexual content.

M-m-m-mummy? i-i-i-is that y-y-you?

Videogame and GTA fan Patrick Wildenborg found hidden sexual content in his copy of GTA SA by using a mod; a gamesave or Action Replay code can unlock the content on both Xbox and PS2 versions. Rockstar argued that hackers had made a modification to its product and had put the content there; the argument from gamers was they found it on the disk; lo and behold, it emerged that Rockstar had left the content there, whether on purpose or by mistake, but most importantly had failed to declare the content to the guys who rate games to ‘spoil our enjoyment’, the ESRB.

So the mud’s been ‘a slinging for the past few weeks, with parenting organisations in the US sharpening their pitch forks and former First Lady (or last lady, as I prefer to know her, as in ‘pulling her head from her arse to see the world as it is’; but that’s just my view) Hillary Clinton get upfront and personal with age rating companies. ESRB and BBFC have stated that they “classify what is submitted” to them, implying that Rockstar have sneakily hidden away the offending scene to sneak under the Adult Only rating.


So that’s the story, and here’s where I want to step in and make a few comments, using the legendary Bill Hicks (we’re not worthy, we’re not worthy) as the inspiration here; when did sex become bad? Did I miss a meeting somewhere?

“James, we had a vote and decided that sex is out ”

“Right, ok, where was I?”

“You were asleep in the corner”

According to US law, any product such as a videogames, movie or advert with the potential of transmitting sexual thoughts has to be classified by the rating companies before it goes on show or sale.

Sexual thoughts.

Let me tell you what causes sexual thoughts; let’s wrap it up in one go so we can move onto a more pressing subject like curing cancer, feeding the worlds poorest people and finding world peace.

Having a dick causes sexual thoughts.

It’s quite obvious here that CJ is helping this young lady bring up wind.

You could be on the bus one day, listening to your iPod or reading the paper. The bus is rocking, your pants are a little tight-

“Hello! Someone’s got a woody over here!”

We’ve all done it. Let’s ban public transportation. Sexual thoughts, remember?

Ok, adverts seem to promote sexual activity to sell their products. You can see that, I can see that, they can see that. The idea is when you’re drinking your bottle of coke, marketed by two lesbian schoolgirls getting down and dirty, you’ll think of them and have good thoughts, so everytime you see a bottle of coke you start to smile and think of it as the happy drink. It works, sales show this.

But it’s not the world we live in. Take a look at your family tree; see those guys a hundred years ago? They didn’t have TV, or porn magazines, or videogames, DVD’s or even CD’s. Yet there’s clear evidence showing that they had to have had at least one sexual thought in their lifetime- because otherwise we wouldn’t be here, would we?

So how did they get a hard on? Simple. They, like the men of today, had a dick.

Oooh CJ, you so are.

Forget advertising, hidden scenes in games, songs and films, sexual thoughts are all around us, and surely it’s time we stopped treating sex like something that will rot your mind, lose you money and have you in a coffin by the age of 24; look at Peter Stringfella’- he’s into his 70’s now and that guy can still pluck 18 year old super babes out of the wilderness and onto his cock. And he’s as rich as hell.

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. We live in a ‘free’ world, where we are ‘free’ to do as the governments tell us to do. We’re not aloud to make decisions for ourselves, decide whether sex is just a way of life or criminally inept; they tell us that sex is the devil’s work (despite Christians promoting humans multiplying and loving one another- but hey, what do I know?), that fadges, tits and bums will make you go blind and that we should all go listen to New Kids on the Block.

*beep* off.

Our in-house legal team would like to point out that these are the views of our eccentric and day-light deprived staff writer James Frazer, and not necessarily the collective view point of the entire Thunderbolt Games crew. We’re nice people, see, and don’t usually talk about dicks all the time.

The author of this fine article

is a Senior Staff Writer at Thunderbolt, having joined in June 2002.

Gentle persuasion

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