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Nuts ‘N’ Bolts Volume 12

Walking into our offices is something of a daily pleasure. Dodging numerous Army Men discs on the front path as they blow about in the wind, leaping over pools of vomit from the night before, pillow fights for the best mug for tea and checking for potential booby traps (whoopee cushions, etc) around the desk. Clicking Internet Explorer on my age-old PC (it runs on steam you know) brings up MSN Messenger. It’s amazing how many silly names people come up with and then try to be your ‘friend’ by asking to chat on the service. Most notably is the addition of seven new emails to my inbox. Peering through my fingers only one is spam, the ‘enlarge your ***** to 12 inches in just six weeks’ message that is deleted continually on the grounds of mine’s that big already. Codemasters have made contact with details of the new patch for Colin McRae 3 for the PC and Phil has mailed about his holiday. I click intriguingly, only to find the context of the letter containing ‘I’m in a sunny country with beautiful women, you’re not’. Bastard. The next four emails were something to write home about though. The Warrior asked ‘I red ur review of eyetoy + woz wunderin if it woz ne gud’. I would reply only my text message decoder has gone missing, leaving me begging the question that it doesn’t cost anything to write and send an email, so why do people write in text format? Speak English ****-for-brains. Lifeof Brain, was full of praise for my Music 3000 review but tried to scrounge a free copy of Tomb Raider without asking nicely. Apparently he’s going to ‘cut my throat and use me as a door mat if I don’t send him the game.’ Yeah, I thought that too. After playing Core Design’s title he needn’t do that to me; I’ll beat him to it. the next two emails were there to slag off the review score of Zelda: The Wind Waker reviewed by Sophie. Read that again; Zelda, rated by Sophie. why the hell do I care what you think if I never wrote it dumb-asses? ‘You suck big time, my god I can’t believe you are so gay for rating Zelda 7/10. You are so gay it’s unbelievable, you gave The Getaway 10/10 but Zelda 7. You are so gay.’ I suck what? I’m gay? How can you tell? I gave Zelda a 7? I gave The Getaway a 10? And what’s with the comparisons between the two games? They are totally different genres on different platforms aimed at different groups of people. Guys, come here. See this middle finger of mine? Swivel on it *********. Then run home to mummy telling her of that bad man trying to sell you an Xbox. Back in the real world interesting things are starting to happen. Billy G is gearing up for the Crimbo sales, Sony are teasing us with online games and Nintendo are being Nintendo. Here at Thunderbolt we have press passes to ECTS and two other gaming events. This is so we can bring you the latest news and games straight to you, the reader, and not fall to the lower levels of other websites by stealing content from the big guns. That would be childish. And wrong.

Over the past two weeks our team have been quiet in terms of everything. Phil of course is on holiday and the U of K is experiencing a heat wave, so many of us are soaking up the sun down at the park. All my projects have been put aside as I prepare for my new PC and beer-fuelled celebrations for my 18th year of life. As always though life is unpredictable and I’ll probably end up writing something between now and Thursday. That said once I get my hands on CM4 expect to see a review and some articles from me on the CM scene, most notably The North Stand (dot net). There’s something satisfying about Championship Manager, maybe it’s the thrill of making it big with your favourite club, the atmosphere or simply stuffing Man-U. What I do know is how great the series has become, and soon I will be a part of the CM scene. All ready I have several stories dotted around which paves the way for my take-over of the world! Mmmwaahaha, ha ha ha, he he, ahem.

Of the few reviews written one stands out by Josh. His take on the latest Star Wars title Knights of The Old Republic was superb and we can only urge you to take a look. The writing style Josh possesses really is unique and thanks to him the best Xbox title to land on our desks in the last few months was given a fair trial and scored highly. Click on the title above to read his review, and if you like it then why not buy it from Amazon via our fancy link? Besides, every sale they make gives us a small cut. And lets face it, we’re all too pretty not be paid aren’t we? Some of us have kids you know. Think of the children! Think of the children! Where’s Brian May for a live aid when you need him?

Meanwhile Antony arrived back from his holiday sporting a rather fake looking tan. Give-aways included a pale chest under his T-shirt and his hair didn’t smell of sea salt. Still, that’s what you get when staying in Hull for a weekend. Phil is still away in France as I said earlier, but we did hear from him a few days ago when he took the time to enter an Internet CafĂ© and send us cool present, in the form of press passes for three major events in London. Barring transport (I ain’t flying, trains are, well, you know this country! So it seems the coach is the only way) I should be able to make it, and hopefully visit some of my favourite places in London along the way. Craven Cottage, here I come! Also included in Phil’s message was a chilling remark. When our man gets back he wants to talk about the future of Thunderbolt. We all rejoiced at the thought of finally getting away from this crummy little office and maybe get a job in Coventry where the streets are made of gold and the beer is free. If only.

Away from Thunderbolt the ever active world has been revolving without us and THQ has released tons of information and screens regarding their new title Smackdown!: Here Comes The Pain. Now we don’t know about you but when we aren’t saving The Earth from alien invasions in Halo, winning super cups on PES2 and driving like maniacs on GT3 we love to see over-muscular men pretending to slap each other in tight pants. Even better is playing as an over-muscular man in tight pants pretending to pummel the **** out of another over-muscular man in tight pants pretending to have the **** kicked out of him. Throw in over-big-breasted women, ladders and chairs made from the lightest and weakest metals, over-enthusiastic crowds, over-the-top entrances and moves and you get wrestling. Sure it’s fake, but beat someone up in the street wearing something that tight and you could get arrested. So housed in a big, multi-thousand capacity arena with open backstages wrestling takes place, and we all go mental when the small man jumps off the ladder onto the big one. Class. What makes wrestling games so great is the manner you go about winning. Hit an opponent hard enough and he’ll pull out a hidden razor when on the floor in pain, thus slitting his head and making blood pour out. That way everyone thinks he’s really hurt! Dragging another blokes face onto your thumb which runs along the ropes is another favourite, as is beating him to a pulp and then laying across them in a sexual position for a ‘three count’. Interesting. Even more bizarre is watching women made of polygons rip off their clothes then cover themselves up with flailing hands. Apparently the reason to be excited is the addition of WCW Superstar Goldberg. ‘But he’s just another fat poof in tight trunks’ I hear you cry. Try telling that to a burger scoffing, cola slurping Yank. Those ones think it’s real you know. After all this ‘positiveness’ will I be buying the game? Hell yeah! Now where’s that burger and cola?

With not much else happening I draw this week’s edition to a close. With the hot weather rapidly changing to sleet and snow in the north it’s only a matter of time before the team are forced indoors to play with our toys. Boo. And a small note to anyone emailing me with a query; offers of marriage, court action, bribes and fan boy email are all welcomed but please check your resources before moaning. Otherwise you’ll get called a moron in the following week’s Nuts and Bolts. And that makes me angry. You won’t want to see me when I’m angry…

The author of this fine article

is a Senior Staff Writer at Thunderbolt, having joined in June 2002.

Gentle persuasion

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