The horror! The horror! I should not have done it. I’d been transported to a Lovecraftian Place That Should Not Be. The Nether. I’d opened Pandora’s Box – ‘let’s make a cool Nether Portal’, I’d thought, completely without attention to consequence. The place was a terrible vision of inhospitable distress. A cavernous subterranean nightmare land where no sunlight would ever penetrate. Contrasting sharply with the ominous dark volcanic rock, orange lava flowed from overhead into a massive lake of scorching magma. Rocky islands hovered in the sky, unaffected by gravity. The awful pig-mutants lurched around me, their eyes seeming to infer ‘if this were survival mode - you’d be trampled under trotter in seconds and fed to the dark god Snortious.’ I struck out and killed a few of these beings, but this only enraged their number.
I turned on fly-mode and attempted to survey the surroundings. The place was menacing at every turn. What could be built here? What could be mined except for agony? Sounds I didn’t want to hear rang out in the dark. A white jellyfish creature glided through the air, spreading fear effortlessly with its otherworldly movements and eerie voice. The visual, physical and audio pressures were mounting. I was an unwelcome visitor to this dimension. I’d left the real world behind and gone somewhere horrible, like a psilocybin mushroom trip gone awry. I had to get out, but where was the portal I’d entered through? Gone. No doubt eaten by some unseen and cackling spectre, a pair of glowing eyes watching my distressed circle-running from the shadows.
I constructed another Nether Portal and jumped through, hoping it’d take me back to the sweet land of terrestrial terra firma I’d left behind. I materialised on the other side and found myself in a disused mine. It was swarming with cobwebs and spiders but, compared to what I’d just experienced, it felt like a king-sized bed with firm pillows and an electric blanket. I wasn’t ready for The Nether but it was ready for me. The next time I travel there I shall be a skilled Minecraft survivalist, and I’ll be prepared. I hope.